. . : : History of the World : : . .

                                          INTRODUCTION
For many years and a little more, there has been a need for a good book on
History. Not just any history: this book was to describe the History of the
World, starting from the World's humble beginnings, to today's not-so-humble
setting.
A book like this requires a great deal of time, energy, research and
knowledge. Since I basically possess just about the intelligence of a
drunken amoeba, I did what any other self-respecting, drunken amoeba would
have done: I made stuff up.
This is not to say that everything in this treatise (meaning book) is fake.
Just about 100% is.
Being such an authority on History, I felt the need to simplify historical
matters to make it accessible to the common (meaning dumb) man. For
instance, I have adopted the GA (Great Ancient) Febain Shah System of Dates,
where every event in history occurs on June 8th. This system makes remembering dates
a whole lot easier.
Okay, enough idle talk. Its time to dig deep into History.


                                          
                                          . . : : Chapter 1: Pre-pre-pre history : :  . .

A gazillion (meaning a reeeeeeeaaaally long time) years ago, there was
no Universe. Nothing existed, except for George Bush's nose. Then,
on JUNE 8th. 0000 BC, a bunch of protons, electrons, neutrons and
oldtrons decided to form matter. The problem was no-one really knew what
matter was. This led to a lot of friction between these sub-atomic (meaning
all-atomic) particles. The resulting tension led to what is now widely known
as the Big Bang, or to use scientific terms, a really big DISHKYAAAAW.
After the Big Bang, things started to happen. Stuff started combining with
other stuff, forming bigger stuff, which in turn combined with other bigger
stuff to form really big stuff and ... you get the idea?
At the end of all this stuffing, the Universe was formed. And in this
Universe lay a planet called Earth.

                                          QUESTIONS:
1.    Explain, giving mathematical support, the Big Bang Theory.
2.    What is Angelina Jolie's phone number?

* * *

                                          . . : : Chapter 2: Pre-history : :  . .

Earth during those early days was quite different from the Earth we see
today. For instance, there were no
digitally-enhanced-high-bandwidth-optically-cohesive-neurally-networked-high-
definition-wide-fidelity-I-am-so-tired-of-typing-all-these-technical-terms
mobile phones. Oh yeah, there were a whole lot of volcanoes and other stuff
spewing (meaning throwing) fire all over the place. And as Fire Insurance
was yet to be invented, the Earth pretty much sat there and let the
volcanoes burn its surface to glory.
Then, one fateful day, (June 8th 0001 BC ), the first life forms emerged
from the early swamps. These primitive beings were a result of complex
chemical processes that occurred due to the volcano-fire and other technical
stuff that is way beyond the understanding of simple humans like you.
The first thing the new life forms said when they emerged from the swamp
was:
"YUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK!! IT'S SOOO HOT !!!!"
As time went by, the new life forms adjusted to Earth's climate and started
to evolve. A gazillion (see meaning in Chapter 1 ) years later, many
different life forms were present on Earth, including amphibians (meaning
bians that could live both on land and in water) dinosaurs, birds, insects,
outsects and George Bush.
Tragically, the dinosaurs & Bush entered into a huge argument about which team
was the best amongst Chelsea, Arsenal, Manchester United and Real Madrid. This
ultimately led to the Great Dino-Wars of JUNE 8th. 0006 BC in which
everyone ate everyone else up. This led to the extinction of the dinosaurs.
(no sadly Bush's were not yet extinct)
The few that did survive got supporting roles in King Kong, Jurassic Park and
Fahrenheit 911, a fate no better to extinction.
The extinction of the dinosaurs paved the way for the coming of the Age of
Mammals ( not Age of Empires, Microsoft ©)
QUESTIONS:
1.    Which is the best team in football? (Ans: MANCHESTER UNITED or quit studying)
2.    In not more than 300 words, write an essay on the following topic:
"George Bush".


* * *
. . : : Chapter 3: The Age of Mammals : :  . .
( mostly concerning Bandar-log / Monkey-Men )
Mammals during those early days basically ran all over the place in search
of the essentials of life like food, water, shelter, mobile refills, etc.
The early mammals were incapable of complex intellectual behavior such as
answering the age-old question "When are the semester results coming?"
Among these mammals was a bunch of monkeys. One of these monkeys - let's
call him George Bush  Og - decided to climb down from his tree and
walk upright on the ground. Og bravely climbed down the tree and gained
enough courage to walk upright. This encouraged Og's family, friends,
neighbors, well-wishers and drinking buddies to follow in Og's footsteps.
This was a new era in History, because man had learnt to walk on two legs.
This event also caused sales of Nike and Reebok shoes to skyrocket.
As time passed, Og's descendents decided to live in caves, mainly because
they couldn't stand each other's body odour, Old Spice deodorants not having
been invented yet.
On JUNE 8th. 0012 BC, a caveman - let's call him George Bush Bob
-  rubbed two wooden sticks together and created fire. The first thing he
did was to share his discovery with his best friend Phukesh. Phukesh was
very happy with Bob's discovery of fire, because prior to this, if Phukesh
wanted a quiet smoke, he had to stand out in the open with a cigarette in
his mouth waiting for lightning to strike. Thus the phrase 'No smoke without
fire' was born.
A few gazillion (still don't know the meaning? Shame on you!) years later,
man invented the wheel, primarily as a means of transport and also because
chicks really dig a guy with wheels.
After this, there was no stopping the brilliance of human intelligence.
Within a few gazillion (never mind) years, man had learnt metallurgy,
agriculture, housekeeping, accounting, animal husbandry, animal wifery and
other practices that led to humans taking control of the planet Earth.
QUESTIONS:
1.    What is Phukesh's favourite brand of cigarette?
2.    When is World cup starting?
3. Have men understood women?


* * *
. . : : Chapter 4: The Ancient World : :  . .
One of the earliest civilizations was established in Egypt, on JUNE 8th.
0045 BC. The Egyptians were master architects and craftsmen and also got
really good grades in Engineering Drawing. So good were they with Solid
Geometry that they built pyramids all over the place.
Unfortunately, one of the Pharaohs (meaning Kings) of Egypt got squashed
underneath a pyramid during a routine inspection. After this tragic
incident, it was decided to build pyramids on top of already-dead Pharaohs
rather than dropping pyramids on still-alive Pharaohs.
One of the most famous rulers of Egypt was Queen Nefertiti, known
throughout the ancient world for her beauty. Queen Cleopatra was another
Egyptian ruler widely known for her drop-dead gorgeous looks. It has been
said that Queen Cleopatra's complexion was as white as a swan, her hair as
dark as night, her figure as tantalizing as a Goddess, her eyes as bright as
stars in the night sky, her perfume as intoxicating as ambrosia.............
Okay, okay, okay .... concentrate on HISTORY .
Another major empire was that of the Greeks. The Greeks were really good at
mathematics, literature and having really long, hard-to-pronounce names like
Hippocrates Archimedes and Bushammiya Pythagoras.
The Greeks were the first to experiment with the system of government called
democracy. This system continues even today, although in some cases the name
has changed to demoCRAZY.
The Greeks were very fond of drama and music. They built several
amphitheaters (meaning theatres that could live both on land and in water)
where drama shows and music concerts were regularly held. However,
attendance in the amphitheaters dropped after a JUNE 8th. 90 BC
performance entitled "You know am BAD am BAD you know it am BAD".
Undoubtedly the most powerful ancient empire was that of the Romans. They
were great politicians, strategists, military men and also like to dress up
in white sheets with olive leaves sticking out of their hair. Fashion
clearly was not one of their strong points. The phrase 'Rome was not built
in a day' is true. It actually took three years, 8 months, 13 days, 2 hours
and 3 minutes, finally ending on JUNE 8th. 1022 BC.
The Roman Empire under Julius Caesar spread far and wide, conquering almost
every territory, except for one tiny village in Gaul, whose inhabitants
drank magic potion brewed by the wizard Getafix and gained great strength to
defeat the Roman armies of Aquarium, Compendium, Tautantum and Laudanum.
(Source: Asterix Comics (c) Goscinny and Uderzo)
Unfortunately, Caesar was assassinated by his own generals. This lead to the decline
and fall of the Roman Empire. Another possible reason for Rome's
fall was the extensive use of Roman numerals to represent mathematical
figures. Roman students could be seen mouthing WTF!! over math problems such as:
"What is MCXVLLL + sqrt (CLIIIXVLLP ) * LCVXIIIDXMM ?"
Several other civilizations flourished during ancient times, like the
Mesopotamian, Byzantine, Indus Valley, etc. Prominent cities of that period
include Mesopotamia, Mohenjo-Daro, Constantinople, Halicarnassus, ....
(ERROR!! SPELL CHECK SOFTWARE ABOUT TO CRASH !! )
Slowly, the ancient world gave way to the medieval world, which was centered
on Europe.
QUESTIONS:
1.    Solve the following: CIIXV + LZBNNCDF - DFHDFZXBNC
2.    Exercise: Say "Cleopatra from Constantinople and Archimedes from
Mesopotamia, along with Pythagoras from Syracuse, went to see Abyssinian
Brachiosaurs in the Byzantianian Coliseum at Halicarnassus" without stopping
for breath.


. . : : Chapter 5: The Medieval World : :  . .

Medieval Europe was a time of darkness (hence the name 'The Dark Ages').
Prominent reasons for this darkness were:
1.    People believed  in superstitions and ancient, dark beliefs.
2.    People often forgot to pay their electricity bills.
3.    Fair and Lovely Fairness Cream had not yet been invented.
The system of feudalism was popular all over Europe, especially England. In
this system, a region was divided into a number of domains, each ruled over
by a feudal lord. This lord had several slaves working for him. The slaves
would defend the lord's territory, work for hours in the fields, take care
of all household activities and basically do all the work, while the feudal
lord would sit on his feudal throne, sip beer and watch English Premier
League matches. ("Go Man U!").
Medieval English History is dominated by several Kings. For reasons yet
unknown, there was a serious shortage of names during that period in
England. Hence, most kings were named either 'Henry' or 'John', with Roman
numerals appended to the name. (eg: King Henry the VIII, King John the XII).
Luckily, learning from the experience of the Romans, there have been no
records of kings having mathematical operations attached to their names. For
instance, there was never a king whose name was
"King Henry the sqrt ( log ( XCVIII))".
Gradually, people realized that George Bush badly needs a new hair cut & the
feudal lords needed to be replaced by a more people-oriented system of
government and old beliefs need to change. This led to the Great
Intellectual Awakening, also called the Renaissance.
QUESTIONS:
1.    Arrange the following in ascending order:
     a.    King John VI
     b.    King Henry I
     c.    King John XVI
     d.    King Henry III
     e.    King Henry VIII

??
. . : : Chapter 6: The Renaissance Period. : :  . .
The Renaissance (meaning don't ask me the meaning, I don't know Latin)
period was a time of intellectual awakening in Europe.
The Renaissance was fuelled by the Industrial Revolution. Great
technological miracles like the steam engine, the printing press and
cellotape were invented during this period.
All over medieval Europe, great artists and sculptors like Leonardo,
Michelangelo, Donatello, Raphael, Master Splinter, Shredder, (oops ... got
carried away with the Ninja Turtles theme) were creating works of art and
sculpture that are still on display today. Literary giants like Shakespeare,
Keats and Milton wrote stunning works of poetry and prose. Even Michael Jackson
tried changing his style of music, but dropped the idea at the last minute.
This was also the time for discovery. Explorers and navigators set sail to
discover new lands and enhance trade. Columbus launched a voyage to discover
a sea-route to India and ended up discovering America.
(Life is SO unfair. I did the same thing in my Std. 8 Geography Exam and
ended up flunking it. Columbus does it and he gets a national holiday in
USA. L )
All this intellectual stuff made people very modern, hence ushering in
(meaning leading to) the modern period of World History.
QUESTIONS:
1.    What is Michelangelo's favorite flavor of pizza? (Michelangelo the
Ninja Turtle, not the sculptor).
2.    Can I get a re-evaluation of my Std. 8 Geography Exam ?


. . : :  Chapter 7: The Modern Period. : :  . .
The modern period of World History is characterized by several events.
There are so many events that it will need XCVII pages to type them. Hence,
I am highlighting below the important events that occurred during the modern
age:
1.    Two World Wars happened. The good guys won both times.
2.    India attains independence.
3.    Michael Jackson cuts his own album.
4.    I was born. (1982)
5.    This point is useless; just felt like having 5 points in this
chapter.

QUESTIONS:
1.    Using the knowledge you have gained in this chapter, write a
detailed thesis on the Great Economic Depression of 1918 and its effect on
American economy. Also give your views on the Fifth Pay Commission Report,
stressing on the economic and socio-political effects it has vis-a-vis
Indo-European and Afro-American foreign trade and commerce.
Remember, you can ONLY refer to this chapter for answers to this question.



. . : : Chapter 8: Conclusion : :  . .

Thus, the History of the World culminates (meaning ends) at the present
moment.
History is a story of man's life. It gives a snapshot of human advances
through time. The great civilizations, wars, revolutions, industrial
achievements, culture and art all describe the progress man has made since
the time of Og (see Chapter 3 )
Throughout History, there has been one constant theme; one common factor
that binds all humanity together; that common thread is George Bush
mankind's resolve to face any challenge with courage and strength.
Thus ends my History of the World.
You may now
• go to the toilet
• send me hate mail
• offer to publish this book
• get back to work.

                                                                     N I R V A N A